Well once again, I will inappropriately and profanely overshare to amuse, educate, and warn you of life’s awful/wonderful possibilities. Without further ado….
*****
I was born on Dec. 6, 1968, in Alabama to way-too-young but insanely-cool 20yo college students:
*****
Fast forward 25 years. During these 25 years, neither my parents, grandparents or my other relatives EVER-NOT-EVEN-ONCE mention or reference my parents’ anniversary or wedding. No pics of my parents’ presumed grand and wonderful wedding EVER surface.
NOT-EVEN-ONCE does this curious and bizarre omission EVER bother or concern me OR my
-smart two younger sisters.
But one morning when I was 25yo I wake up and out-of-the-blue think “WTF is going on with my parents’ history?”
I could have just ASKED them about said subject. But as everybody in this hobby will tell you, 5 Star Mel is kinda-cool but pretty much a freak. Accordingly, I JUST ORDER my parents’ marriage license from the great state of Alabama.
Fast forward two more weeks. The license dutifully shows up via snail mail. I open it up and buried-in-the-fine print it states:
DATE OF MARRIAGE: APRIL 25, 1968
I’m occassionally intelligent and I instantly-struck-by-lightning figure out:
1) I WAS A SHOTGUN BABY!!!
2) MOM WAS SEVERAL MONTHS PREGGERS WHEN THEY GOT MARRIED!!!
3) THEY PROBABLY NEVER HAD A FAMILY/FRIENDS-INVITED WEDDING!!!
So the next time I saw them I just ASKED them about their history, w/o mentioning the license revelations.
They just laughed, said we knew you would eventually broach the subject, Dad “knocked up” Mom unexpectedly, we didn’t know what-to-do but were madly-in-love, so one day we just walked down to the courthouse and got hitched with no notice to friends/family, and you just showed up in the normal fashion, and our friends/family just dealt with reality.
What a wacky/charming story!
But left forever-unsaid was the obvious. They MUST have considered … er … um … uhuh … abortion and then splitting up forever. That’s PROBABLY what I would have done. But I “lucked out” and they didn’t.
*****
Six months after I was born was father was drafted as part of the Vietnam War. He could have been killed or physically/mentally scarred for life.
This time Dad lucked out. Although he was currently super-healthy, as a teen he suffered horrific exema/rash. Apparently the Army docs decided their uniforms would re-trigger his condition and gave him a pass.
So like his father and grand-uncle, Dad trudged off to law school…
*****
Basically my immediate family was dirt-poor for the first five years of my life, middle-class for the next five, and FILTHY FREAKING RICH-AS-SH*T for the next ten.
So what's your superpower Batman?
Basically, my father turned out to be a ROCK STAR LAWYER. He successfully handled HUNDREDS of cases/trials for 20 years all over the country, landed $$$$ clients, became a MANAGING PARTNER by 30yo of a very successful 45-attorney law firm, and was a SELF-MADE MILLIONAIRE by 35yo in 1982 with a ginormous near-mansion home, home swimming pool, fancy Cadillac, country-club membership, etc.
My mother meanwhile somehow transformed into a ROCK-STAR BLONDE BEAUTY:
All my friends were insanely jealous of our wealth and deliriously in love with my ROCK STAR BLONDE SUPER-BEAUTY sister:
That’s the good news. The bad news is that my father was NEVER around and was basically a super-sh*t-head to his wife/kids when he was. BUT he was a ROCK STAR ALCOHOLIC. He would come home, knock back 5 mixed drinks, then progressively polish off not one but TWO bottles of wine. The alcohol barely affected him, merely making him mellow and cool, and he became nice to his kids for an hour or so. He would eventually pass out on the couch. He would arise the next morning, 100% sober and not remotely hung over, and report to work or travel. This exact scenario occurred hundrds of times during my teens.
*****
But then the George Bush 1 recession hit in 1990 and my father’s career/firm collapsed. Cut to the chase. As I later learned by examining relevant court records, my father’s law firm creditors sued him PERSONALLY and won $20 MILLION in judgments against him and his partners JOINTLY AND SEVERALLY LIABLE.
Of course my father should have filed for bankruptcy like some of his partners. He would have lost ALL of his assets, including the family mansion, but he could have starteed fresh and debt-free.
But no, he was too proud/kookoo. He spent the next 18 YEARS DESPERATELY fending off piranha creditors, somehow squeaking by and holding onto his house, lost 99% of his clients, etc.
Meanwhile, my mother unhelpfully devolved into a ROCK STAR PILLHEAD, losing her looks, sanity, and husband. After I graduated from law school in 1995, I would write nasty legal threat letters to her MF pain pill docs and they would drop her like a hot rock. But she would quickly find three worse docs or buy “off the street.” By the 2000s she was 99% dead, 10% coherent, frequently homeless.
My Dad eventually gave up on her and divorced her in 2005.
*****
THEN the Bush 2 recession hit in 2008. This was a miraculous event for my Dad! Most of his creditors went the way of the dodo bird in the financial chaos:
Continuing his good luck streak, Dad then met a GF who was/is a gazillionaire. She has the most insane ginormous 8,000 sq. ft. McMansion I’ve ever seen PLUS a very nice lake house.
So Pops just married her and is set for life. He shows no scars from downing oceans of alcohol back in the day (and both he and #2 wifey can still knock them back).
But my stepmother’s story is far from simple. She was a ROCK STAR WATERSKIIER back in the day … until another boat full-speed ran over her in the water. She suffered terrible injuries and was 99% dead. (I know the feeling….) She spent the next six months in the hospital in traction. 45 years later she still hobbles about. But she and her 1st husband became obscenely rich selling commercial glass.
Mom is still a “hot mess” overall but hanging in there, watching boatloads of B&W classic movies. Everybody agrees that she ran through her nine lives long ago. So take a hint from her and don’t touch pain pills with a 100 foot pole.
*****
‘Nuff said….